I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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