And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
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