Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
