I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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