Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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