I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
