are you still at the devil's house?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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