I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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