Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
