"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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