My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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