Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
