I should be sponsored by Trojan
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
