just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize