there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize