Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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