I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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