I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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