In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
