I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
