I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
