I swear she didn't look like that last week.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
