I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
