If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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