I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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