Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
