Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
