Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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