who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
