God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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