just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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