You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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