I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Farmville is her only friend.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
