i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
