true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
