Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
