I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
