i permit you to call me
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Is it penis luge time yet?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
