She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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