i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Randomize
