why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
