Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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