Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
