allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
