That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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