You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
