bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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