i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
