You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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