I just pynch a tree in the face
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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