dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
