Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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