My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize