I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
