Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Randomize
