closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
