If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
