all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
