Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
