so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
