News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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