Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
