I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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